Up in Ontario

Winter Olympics Realism, part 1

In lieu of the usual winter olympic sports we're familiar with, I propose bringing the olympics back to their roots - friendly competition in sports derived from everyday life. Below are some examples of potential events that my friend Jason and I came up with while driving out to our hockey game on Monday night. If you can come up with additional events, please add them in the comments.

Long Tobogganing: riding a toboggan for distance. Cram the largest folks you can find onto your toboggan, wax down the planks with good floor wax, tuck everything up onto the toboggan and launch. Keep the momentum going no matter what gets in the way. Keep going.

Speed Tobogganing: just like it sounds. Strap in and lean back, hook your legs around the person in front of you, launch with a little butt hunch and some paddling with mitts, hold on for dear life. Judges will employ a radar gun at the bottom of the hill to record speeds.

Crazy Carpet Jumping: apply your butt to the crazy carpet at the top of a steep declination, tuck in feet and try to hit the jump straight on. Don't think about the sound a tailbone makes when landing on ice.

Parking-Lot Donuts: where the balded rubber meets the icy road - around and around and around. Reverse when the mood strikes.

Front-Wheel Drive Donuts: around and around and around in reverse.

Figure Sliding: interpretive driving on a frozen lake, in the dark, with the headlines up on high beam so they shine out across the ice as the contestant's vehicle twirls. Spins, slides, drifts: the natural evolution of Donuts and Front-Wheel Drive Donuts.

River Skate Marathon: a 26-mile long skate along a frozen river or series of frozen rivers. A start line and a finish line. Anyone who finishes wins. A bonus allocation of points for the tightest suit and the sleekest glasses.

Snow Drift Diving: from the highest fence in the neighbourhood, into the highest drift in the neighbourhood, launch yourself and let gravity do its trick. Points for distance, effects, flips and twists, general styling. Swim out of the drift, clamber back onto the fence, repeat in a different place, never jumping into previous marks in the drift. Later, savour each imprint in the snow.

Quinzee Building: pile up as much snow as you can find, let it harden, tunnel into it and hollow out the inside so you've got a nice little dome that traps the warm air. Quinzees are measure on durability, warmth retention and speed of completion. The winner doesn't have to spend the night in their quinzee.

Snow Football: a team sport for whoever shows up, we break them into teams. Tackling allowed as long as you're not too close to a fence and there's enough snow. Most popular play call in the huddle: scrambled eggs on three. Ready? Break!

Mitt Toss: stretch your hand out inside your loose-fitting mitt, crank your arm back and let fly with as much force as you can muster, launching your mitt at the optimal angle for distance and height; similar to the javalin. Best with garbage mitts.

Open Water Skidooing: seeing how far you can skim across open water when you hit it, and you're drunk, on your skidoo, in the dark, with the rest of the mickey of rye sloshing in your pocket. Car drunk or skidoo drunk? Just car drunk.

As a venue for these events, I suggest the snowy, wintry climes of Winnipeg, Manitoba, my hometown. Perhaps, even in coordination with wonderful Le Festivale du Voyageur?